


Until we meet again...

by slowroad



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:19:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22240162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slowroad/pseuds/slowroad
Summary: Thomas and Richard stay in touch as promised. This is the story of their developing romance.  The story begins from the moment Richard reluctantly takes his leave.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Comments: 37
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is told in the first person, in the words and the voice of Thomas Barrow, except in the letters where Richard speaks for himself.

**Disclaimer : These characters do not belong to me. I have simply borrowed them for a while.**

...

I stood in my pantry, watching Richard run lightly up the stairs with a quick glance at me, a fleeting smile and then he was gone. And I was left with a very unfamiliar mix of feelings...happiness and hopefulness in equal measure. I looked at the precious token in my hand and I couldn't believe it. Richard Ellis, one of the nicest, most handsome men I have ever met, wanted me to remember him, he wanted us to stay in touch and try to meet again someday. It was all quite wonderful and somewhat incredible. 

I was in a daze all day. Mr Carson went back to his cottage and I resumed my duties as butler. Nothing was said of my rudeness on the day that Mr Carson had come to take over my position for the duration of the Royal visit. I had been resentful then, but I was very, very grateful now. Had I stayed on duty, I could never have spent as much time with Richard as I had and we would probably not have learnt the truth about each other. 

I lay in bed that night, thinking about the last three days with Richard. I went over every word, every look and every touch and I felt so, so grateful to have met this wonderful man. By the afternoon of the next day, however, a bit of doubt began to creep in. Would Richard really want to stay in touch once he went back to his life at the palace? Would he really make the time to write to me and make plans to meet me a few months down the line, when he could so easily meet someone else in a place like London?

We barely knew each other. Would we actually be able to keep up a correspondence and wait months at a time before seeing each other again? And why would someone as handsome and intelligent and wonderful as Richard want to wait around for me? And even if he did, would he continue to like me once he got to know me? I am not a likeable person and I'm well aware of that. Surely this was just another pipe dream that I was chasing. That made my mood sink and I drew a few anxious glances at dinner that night. I didn't want to worry anyone, so I shook off my gloom and joined in an after dinner game of cards and tried to be as cheerful as possible. But I couldn't stop worrying and wondering if Richard would actually write to me as he had promised to do. 

We were at breakfast on Saturday morning when the mail arrived and there was a letter for me. Now this is something that almost never happens, so everyone noticed. I took the letter and glanced at it. The sender had labelled himself as R E and of course, I knew who that was. My heart started beating double time and I had to use all my will power to keep from grinning like a fool. It was just four days since Richard had left and he'd written to me already! It was hard not to rip the letter open and read it right away, but I knew that I would give myself away entirely if I did. So I pocketed the letter, ignored the curious glances of the others and went on with breakfast as usual, or tried to anyway. 

I had a lot to do that Saturday, so it was several hours before I was able to get a bit of time to myself. It was at around three in the afternoon when I was finally able to go into my room, shut the door and get the letter out of my pocket. I stared at it for a moment, revelling in the fact of its existence and then I opened it, grinning like the besotted man that I am even before I'd read a word of what Richard had written to me. I started reading... 

_My dear T,_

_It is but two days since we parted. I hope it does not seem too eager of me to be writing to you already. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I left. I want to talk to you, to tell you what I've been thinking about and hopefully, start a correspondence and a relationship that will last a long time. And just so we're clear, we're more than just friends, you and I._ _You seemed a bit uncertain of that, a bit insecure. I meant what I said when I gave you that token. I want you to think of me when I'm not with you in the same way that I can't stop thinking about you. I feel like I have been struck by lightning. That is perhaps a bit dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it because the truth is that three days in your company have upended my entire life. I like you, T, I like you very much indeed._

_I was drawn to you the moment I saw you. You are so beautiful, I could barely take my eyes off you. And what makes you beguiling is the fact that you seem completely unaware of it. And then we got talking and I was intrigued by your personality...your intelligence and wit, your friendliness and your vulnerability, your tendency to be a bit prickly and defensive. You reacted with such innocent joy to our companionship and conversation the night that we'd gone to York, that I was thoroughly charmed._

_Letters are all we can have between us for the next few months, but I would very much like to have those and as often as possible. Again, I'm afraid that I sound too eager, but I don't think we have the luxury of being coy, people like us. And I don't want to be. I want to be honest with you. I don't want to hide or pretend. We have to do so much of that, as it is._ _I want us to make plans to meet again, whenever we can. I want to belong to you and have you belong to me. I cannot say it any clearer than that. So please, don't hesitate or hold back. I sense that you have experienced some unrequited love, as have I. It is an experience that is all too common with our kind. And that has made you cautious, I'm sure. But please don't use caution with me._

_I know I told you to be more circumspect and we should both be careful like I'm being here, not using our names and not saying anything about our places of work. But let's not be cautious with each other. I want to get to know you, T. I want to know how you're feeling, what you're reading, what it is that makes you smile, what you think about at night, what you think about when you think of me...I want to know you and I want you to know me._

_I hope I'm not being presumptuous. F_ _or the first time in my life, I have the desire to be with someone, to belong to them and to commit to a relationship. I'd rather say too much than too little. I don't want to leave you in any doubt about my intentions and my desires. And now I will close. I hope you are well, my dear and I hope you enjoy reading this letter as much as I enjoyed writing it._

_I'm so looking forward to your reply._

_Your R._

... 

It was an honest to goodness love letter. Never in my life did I think that I would get one of those again and here was Richard promising even more letters and asking for a relationship, for constancy and a possible future together. I cannot tell you how it made me feel, reading his words. It was the kind of happiness that I hadn't known was possible. After so many years of loneliness and after all the rejection that I've suffered, this felt like a miracle, a thing of wonder that couldn't possibly be real. And yet it was. I read Richard's letter over and over that night, savouring the words, picturing him in my head, smiling that stunning smile of his, aching to hold him and kiss him again. I wrote back to him the next day. 

... 

_My dear, dear R,_

_Thank you so very much for that lovely letter. And no, you don't seem too eager, not to me. The speed with which you wrote only tells me that I am not alone in this happy desperation I feel for your company, your conversation, your presence and your touch. And you're right. I was uncertain about this, a bit insecure_ _about your interest in me. Your letter was extremely reassuring._ _I've read it through several times and your words made me feel something that I have never felt before in my life, pure, unsullied happiness. I want to get to know you too, my dear. In fact, I want to be the one person in the world who truly knows you. And I want to show you who I am, the good and the bad. I promise not to hold anything back._

_In this spirit, I will offer you a couple of truths today. My father turned me out of the house when I was fifteen years old because he discovered the truth about me. I was left to fend for myself and I have been alone in the world ever since._ _I am prickly and defensive, as you so rightly pointed out, so I have never found it easy to make friends of the people that I work with. I had a tendency to assume that people were out to get me, so I would try to get them first. This led me to saying and doing a lot of things that I am not proud of. I'm a different man today, but I'm afraid that I'm still prickly and not particularly likeable._

_So I worry that as you get to know me better, you might not like me as much as you do now. I have always tried to hide myself from others, but I don't want to do that with you. I don't want to pretend to be anything that I'm not._ _I'm not as innocent as I might have seemed to you. I've experienced intimacy a few times over the years, but nothing that was even close to being a relationship and nothing at all since I got back from the war. There was never any affection or attachment in those encounters and like you guessed, there has been a lot of unrequited love and plenty of pining._

_I've never fancied someone and not felt stupid and ashamed of my feelings because even on the rare occasion that they were directed at someone who shared my inclinations, my feelings were never returned. They were taken advantage of or laughed at, but never returned. So it feels quite extraordinary to hear that you like me. There was so much warmth and affection in your letter that it left me with a lump in my throat and and an ache in my heart._

_I like you too, R, so much. I didn't notice you at first. I was so taken aback by Mr W's imperiousness that I couldn't pay attention to anything else and I think I assumed that you were also arrogant and stuck up like him. It was when I took you up to your room that I saw you properly and I was immediately taken by your looks, your voice (which I will admit I have grown very fond of), your eyes which are often alight with mischief and your smile...I was floored the first time I saw it._

_And then we talked and I got to know you a bit . I love how light hearted and irreverent you are and how genuinely nice and easy to be with. I so enjoyed talking to you. You have an intelligence and quickness of mind that I find really alluring. And you risked so much, just to get me out of trouble. I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I still feel badly about not waiting for you that night. It was you I wanted, I hope you know that._ _Thank you for being so open about your intentions. I never thought that I would find someone who wanted to belong to me. My life has been made up of me being alone or being shunned. So forgive me if I have a bit of trouble absorbing this. I had given up on ever having the kind of relationship that other people do._

_Nothing you said was presumptuous, R. I want to be with you too. I want to commit to a relationship and I will do everything I can to make it work. It will be difficult, going months at a time without seeing each other. But I don't mind. I will write as often as I can, every day, most likely, given how much I want to keep talking to you._

_You letter meant the world to me, my darling. Thank you so very much._

_Your T._


	2. Chapter 2

I went down to the village to post that letter myself. I didn't have to, of course. I could've left it to be collected along with the rest of the letters, but I thought the walk might help me clear my head. Writing that letter had been good for me. I'm not used to being honest and vulnerable with anyone, but I find that I can't be anything less than honest with Richard. I don't want to be. And that is freeing. I felt like a bit of weight had been lifted off my chest when I shared what I did in that letter. 

I told Mrs Hughes that I was going down to the village for a bit. I put on my hat and I set off down the drive. I had a lot on my mind. I wasn't brooding and I certainly wasn't upset about anything, but so much had happened in the space of a week that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was still quite stunned at the way Richard had reacted to me. The thought that he found me attractive, that he liked me and enjoyed my company and actually wanted more of it...that was just so incredible to me.

There was a part of me that was afraid that I would say or do something to mess it up. And that even if I didn't, this couldn't possibly last. A real relationship is not for people like me, or so life had taught me. And here I was getting swept away in this rush of feeling, hoping for things that couldn't possibly be. I kept walking. It was a lovely, sunny day and quite a few people were out and about in the village. I stopped at a bench under a big oak tree. I sat down for a few minutes and absorbed the warmth of the afternoon. Slowly, my mind quieted and a feeling of peace came over me.

Richard was offering everything that I had ever wanted and more when I consider just how wonderful he is. To have a man like that want me is precious beyond measure. I was not going to let my worries ruin it for me. I decided to stop questioning my good fortune. After all, things had been looking up for me for the last couple of years.

I'd come back to Downton after months of thinking that I'd left for good. Good things had come my way, so maybe it was time to stop expecting things to go wrong. Maybe it was time to trust life, trust myself and believe that Richard meant what he said and that his feelings were every bit as real and lasting as mine and just enjoy this for what it is...after all, what could be more joyful than falling in love?

...

Two days went by in a rush of routine. Master George and Miss Sibby came down to see me both days and we spent the afternoon playing out in the garden, enjoying the sunshine. I don't let my position as butler keep me from doing undignified things like running around, yelling and playing at being pirates with these children.

The two of them had been the one bit of happiness in my life when everything else was bleak. They liked me because I indulged them and I would play with them for hours. They accepted me without question and they weren't shy about showing their affection. I know that soon they will grow up and not want to play at pirates or Indians any more and I will likely fade into the background and be nothing more than the butler, but for the moment, I can find joy in Master George's trimphant yells at having brought me down as he sits on my stomach and Miss Sibby pretends to tie me up. 

... 

We were at breakfast again when the day's post was brought in. Andy handed the letters around and again there was one for me. I could see that Andy was curious, so I took the letter from him, causally, keeping my face as neutral as possible. I knew it was from Richard even before I looked at it, but the

R E, 

London 

at the back of the envelope made me blush a bit anyway. I put the letter in my pocket without looking at anyone and went on with my meal. I hoped that none of them had seen me blush, but even if they had, there was little I could do about it. I ate my meal in silence, only looking up when I had finished. Everyone was engrossed in conversation, so I was able to sit back and pretend to read my paper until it was time to start work. 

It was several hours later that I was able to escape into my room to read the letter that had been burning a hole in my pocket all day. 

... 

_My darling T,_

_I waited eagerly for your letter and I was well rewarded. It warms my heart to hear that I have made you happy. I don't know if you're aware of it, but you have a wonderful smile. Your entire face lights up and you look so boyish and so joyful. I cannot stop thinking about the way you reacted when I gave you that token. The big smile, the slight blush, that shy thank you..._

_There I was, trying to do what I could to keep you interested in me, hoping that you would agree to a correspondence and you reacted with surprise and gratitude. You should not be surprised to find that someone is interested in you or that they find you attractive, because you're gorgeous and you're so interesting. You may be a bit prickly, but you have lived, you have experienced a great many things including war, you've known love and pain, you have worked to change those parts of yourself that you're not proud of and that gives you some depth as a person._

_You should certainly not be thankful for my interest or my affection, because they are freely given. I couldn't not be interested in you. When I took you to York that day, I had no idea if I had a chance with you. I hoped of course, but I didn't know and I wasn't sure if I could risk being open about my interest in you. I had a feeling that I was safe with you, so I might have brought it up anyway, but after what happened that night, I was not left in any doubt._

_I wish you hadn't had to go through that harrowing experience, but I'm glad that I was able to help you out. I did take a risk, but there was no way I was going to leave you to fend for yourself. I feel quite protective of you, to be honest and when I saw that you were in trouble, all I wanted was to help. There was also a small part of me that wanted to be your white knight because I really was trying to win your affections._

_I was more than a little jealous to hear that you had gone off with someone else, but I don't blame you for it. I was later than I had intended to be and I understand why you took the chance you did. After all, you had no idea that I wanted more from you than friendship. It's good to know that it was me you wanted, but I do wish I had got a chance to dance with you._

_It is sad to hear about the way your father treated you. I'm not surprised to hear that this experience made it difficult for you trust other people. You say you've done things that you're not proud of. Well, so have I. But we grow and we change and as long as that happens, I think we can leave the past in the past. The T that I know is a good person, not the friendliest or the most welcoming, but someone who does not wish ill of anyone._

_I like you, sweetheart, and I'm going to keep liking you. I'd rather be with someone who has made mistakes and learnt from them, than with someone who has never done anything wrong at all. Saints are boring. Your honesty and your vulnerability have touched my heart and made me like you and want you even more._

_You respond so well to affection, it's like you blossom when you're treated with even the slightest bit of warmth. It's beautiful to see, but it also tells me that you haven't had much affection in your life and that is not a happy thought at all. I'm going to do my best to remedy that. I'm going to make it my business to make you happy, give you all the warmth and affection that I'm capable of. I'm going to cherish you, darling._

_I have more to say, but I best stop here and send this off. I don't want to make you wait for my letters any longer than you have to._

_Your R._


	3. Chapter 3

How was I supposed to react to a letter like that? Did Richard have any idea how wonderful he was being? This was so, so different from anything that I have experienced before. Most people are just about able to tolerate me, though I have to say that the staff at Downton are now a lot more friendly and accepting of me than they used to be just a couple of years ago.

Part of that is because I've changed myself and my behaviour towards them, and the rest of it is, I suppose, due to the fact that they didn't realise just how low a point in my life I had reached when I tried to kill myself. That is still a very difficult thing for me to think about. I was so painfully lonely in that moment. I'd felt so completely unloveable, doomed to being alone and misunderstood for the rest of my life with no one to care whether I was around or not.

But Phyllis had cared and so had Andy. They saved my life and they tried to help me. Mrs Hughes, Daisy, Mrs Patmore, all of them even Anna and Bates had rallied around and tried to help. Andy has made every effort to be a friend ever since that incident and Phyllis has decided to take my sister's place. That apparently means that she gets to nag me and to look out for me. It is nice to be bullied into accepting kindness.

I was grateful to them all. They made my life better and easier every day, but they all had someone special in their lives, even Mrs Patmore and I was the one who was alone, always looking at couples and relationships from the outside and seeing something that I couldn't have... 

Well, until now, I thought as I ran my eyes over the delightful letter that Richard had seen fit to send me. A smile took over my face. How did he manage to be so wonderful and how did I get so lucky? I picked up my pen, grabbed a few sheets of paper from my desk and started writing.

... 

_My darling white knight,_

_You certainly know how to wield your words. That was such a lovely letter to receive. I don't know what I have done to deserve you, but I'm not going to question it. I'm going to hold you close to my heart for as long as you will let me. Do you have any idea how wonderful you are? How thoughtful and sensitive, warm and open hearted? I find you completely adorable._

_I understand why you say that we should leave the past in the past. I find that I struggle to do that because I feel so guilty for all the things I've done. I've spied on people and threatened to use their secrets and their vulnerabilities against them. I constantly tried to get them into trouble. I even tried to get a couple of them dismissed. I've said and done nasty things...I was lonely, angry and bitter and constantly at war with the world._

_I know that I'm not that person anymore and I will never do anything like that again. But I find it hard to forgive myself and maybe that is why I can't seem to let go of the past. I was not a nice person at all, R. I feel so bad about everything I did. I'm a different person now, but it still amazes me to hear that you like me as much as you do. I don't know how you manage to see all those qualities in me that you like when no one else ever has._

_You certainly won my affections that night in York, but I had no idea that you would and could care about me in this way. I hoped, of course, but my hopes have so often come to nothing that I didn't give them any credence. And then you went and kissed me and I was properly swept off my feet. You gave me that token and told me that you wanted me to think of you when you were gone and that allowed me to hope that we could have more than just a couple of days together._

_I wish things hadn't gone so badly wrong that night, but it was that incident that let us discover the truth about each other, so I don't regret it too much. I wish I'd had a chance to dance with you too, but no matter, we'll have a dance the next time we meet. I can arrange to be in London for a couple of days in early October. Will that suit you? Will you be able to get a day or two off work around that time? It will be wonderful if you can. I'm waiting to see you with the kind of impatience and desperation that I can scarcely describe. I wish I'd taken the chance to hold you in my arms when you were here, so I would have a memory of what that feels like. But as it is, my imagination will have to do._

_We've done a lot of talking about me so far. Now I want to hear about you. Have you ever had someone special in your life or is this the first time? Tell me about your family. Do your parents know about you? Do you have any siblings? I have a sister but I haven't seen her since I left home all those years ago. She doesn't understand me any more than my father does._

_I'm holding your token in my hand as I write this. It is such a comfort to have this little piece of you. I want you to have something of me in return so I'm sending you a little gift. It's a watch that I made myself. My father was a clockmaker and I learnt my trade from him. Well, it is has never actually been my trade, more a hobby, really, but it is a skill that I treasure and one that I find I want to share with you. I hope you like it._

_Your T._

...

_My dear, amazing, watch maker,_

_Thank you so very much for the lovely gift that you sent me. It is a privilege to have something that you made with your own hands. I will treasure this watch just as I will treasure your letters. I don't think you have any idea how happy your words make me. I read them over and over again and they keep me going day after day, smiling at random moments because something you said has just popped into my head._

_This is an entirely new experience for me too. I've had some experience of intimacy, but it was always quick and rushed. I have never known what it is like to properly get to know someone and care about them before being intimate with them. I have experienced attraction and I've been in love, but it was always unrequited, so my experience of romance is close to zero. I'm glad I finally get to have this and I'm ever so grateful that I get to have it with you._

_I do see a lot of qualities in you that I like and admire. From what you've told me I'd agree that you've done some awful things. But that does not make you an awful person. You were abandoned by your family, you were lonely, angry and upset, you were young, you fell in love and you got your heart broken a couple of times...with no one to talk to, about any of this. It is no wonder that you lashed out and tried to hurt other people the way you yourself were hurting._

_The more important thing, to my mind, is that you have made the effort to change yourself. I have met a lot of different people in my life and I have become a pretty good judge of character. What I see in you is a good person. You're lonely and you've let the world convince you that what you are is unacceptable and that you are not deserving of love. Can I say that I am glad you and I are the way we are because that means that we get to be with and to belong to each other? You are more than deserving of love, my darling._

_I have had a much easier way in life than you. My father had a favourite uncle who was like you and me, so he guessed what I was and he was far more understanding than people usually are. He won't talk to me about it, but he does not judge me for it either. He explained it to my mother and while she had a bit of trouble accepting it, neither of them ever blamed me or shamed me for it. So I didn't end up hating myself as I suspect you did. Maybe it helped that I'm an only child and they didn't want to lose me. They see little enough of me as it is._

_I think you should let go of the guilt for whatever it is that you did in the past. It is not going to help you or anyone else. Penitence is a good thing, but there be can be too much of it. Let it go, my dear, forgive yourself._

_I can certainly arrange to be free in the first week of October, say the 4th and the 5th. I'll let you know for sure once I've had a word with Mr W._

_I'm so looking to seeing you again, sweetheart. Two days is not much time, but it is long enough to make memories so we are neither of us left relying on our imagination as much as we have to now._

_Your white knight._


	4. Chapter 4

The next three weeks went by in a similar fashion. Life at Downton had settled into a groove and things were mostly peaceful. Richard and I continued to write to and get to know each other. With each letter, I learnt something about him. It was lovely, collecting these little pieces that made up the picture of a man who was even more wonderful than I had initially thought him to be. He was getting to know me as well, and remarkably, his fondness for me only seemed to increase. 

Even when he was travelling, he would find a post office and make sure I got my three and sometimes four letters a week. It was his way of showing me that he really was committed to this relationship. I don't think I had ever been happier in my life than I was in those few weeks when I fell in love with this adorable man, one day and one letter at a time.

Richard had spoken to Mr Wilson and arranged to be free on the 4th and 5th of October. I'd had a word with Lord Grantham and got his permission to leave Downton on those days as well. I was quite impatient to see Richard again, but it was already the middle of September, so I didn't have that long to wait.

...

"Why do you never open your letters at breakfast, Mr Barrow?" Daisy asked me one morning. 

"I...um...I like to leave it for later, I suppose." 

"When you're alone and can read them in private," she said with a gleeful smile. "I think you have a sweetheart that you're not telling us about."

I tried not to blush, but I failed. "Um...not all of us are as lucky as you Daisy," I said, as I got up and put away my newspaper as casually as I could. Then I went upstairs to set up breakfast. 

As I climbed the stairs, I could hear Mrs Patmore chiding Daisy and telling her to mind her own business. It was not Daisy's fault, really. It was a natural enough assumption to make, given the number of letters I'd been getting lately. And then there was the fact that I seemed unable to contain the besotted smile that took over my face every time I saw Richard's initials on the envelope. 

It's unlike me to have so little control over my feelings. I'm a butler. I've been trained to be poised at all times and not show any emotion and I'm usually quite good at it. But I'm a man in love. It's hard not to show my feelings. If Richard had been a woman, I would be talking about him all the time, letting the others see how much he means to me. 

To be honest, I wanted to talk about him. I wanted to tell someone in my life that I had met this wonderful man, who somehow, miraculously wanted to be with me. But, of course, I couldn't. Because while I was falling in love, I was breaking the law. A stupid, unfair, inhuman law, in my opinion, but the law nonetheless. And the only way to keep myself and Richard safe was to keep this as quiet as possible. I hadn't said a word to anyone and I wasn't going to, but it rankled. 

Daisy and Albert were perhaps the only members of the staff here who didn't know that my sweetheart was unlikely to be a woman. The others did and that was probably the only reason they'd refrained from asking any questions. Though I could see that they were curious. 

... 

It was several hours later. I'd just served tea in the library and I'd come back downstairs. I went to the wine cellar to choose the wines for dinner. It was going to be a grander dinner than usual because Lady Bagshaw and Miss Smith had arrived that afternoon and they were going to be staying for a week. Tonight, Miss Smith would be dining with the family as a guest, instead of eating downstairs with us, the way she had the last time she'd visited.

Like Mr Branson, she has been fortunate enough to leave service and move up the ranks to become a member of the family. There was a time in my life when this would've bothered me, people moving up in life and finding love, if what I'd heard about her and Mr Branson was any indication. But I found that I didn't really care now. If they had, in fact, found love with each other, good for them. There isn't a better feeling in the world, I can tell you. 

Anyway, I chose the wines I wanted to serve and I took them back to my pantry. I was making some notes in the wine ledger when there was a knock on the door. It was Andy. 

"Can I talk to you, Mr Barrow?" 

"Of course."

Andy came in and sat down. "I'm sorry if Daisy embarrassed you this morning," he said. 

"It's okay. She doesn't know and she meant well."

"So...was she right? Do you have a sweetheart?" 

I blushed, almost on cue. "You know I can't tell you that." 

"Why ever not? It's just us here and I'm not going to tell anyone." 

He was right, of course, but I continued to hesitate. I was so used to hiding this part of myself, that it wasn't easy to just talk about it. 

"Unless you don't trust me," he said, sounding a bit hurt. 

"Of course I trust you! Don't be daft. You've known about me for what, three years now and you've kept my secret." 

"As you kept mine. You could've told everyone that I couldn’t read. You could’ve made me a laughing stock. But you didn't. You tried to help me in secret so the others wouldn't find out." 

"And old Carson thought I was corrupting you." 

"Mr Carson is a good man, but he's a bit, what's that word? Yes, sanctimonious." 

That made me chuckle. "That's the perfect word for him, Andy." 

“Thanks to you, I’ve been doing crosswords and I’m learning all sorts of new and interesting words.”

“I hope Daisy’s impressed.”

“Eh! She’s a tough one. But I’m not here to talk about her. Are you going to tell me about your mysterious correspondent? It's Mr Ellis isn't it?"

I blushed again. 

"I knew it!" 

"I hope you haven't been talking about it." 

"Of course not! I understand that you have to keep quiet about it, though I think it's unfair, really."

“It’s the law, Andy.”

“It’s a stupid law. You like who you like. You’re not hurting anyone. If someone told me that loving Daisy was wrong and that I had hide my feelings and never speak of them to anyone, I don’t know what I would do.”

“That’s surprisingly understanding of you.”

“You’re a friend, Mr Barrow and you’re a good man. You can’t help being what you are. I didn’t always understand this, but I do now.”

“Thank you. Andy. That means a lot. I hope you know that I never wanted anything from you other than friendship.”

“I do. I still feel badly about the way I used to treat you. I did all that and yet, you wanted to help me. And then when the school master offered to teach me, I abandoned you again. I really wish I hadn’t done that. I wish I'd seen how lonely you were."

I sighed. "It's okay. You weren't to know. It's...water under under the bridge, as they say."

"I suppose..."

"I won't deny that it was a dark time, but it's all in the past now."

"You are happy now, aren't you?"

"I am." I couldn't keep the smile off my face when I said that. 

"Good. It's nice to see you smile every once in a while. You're not as grumpy as you used to be."

"Thanks...I think," I said, rolling my eyes at him. 

He smiled. "But seriously, I’m glad you’ve found someone, Mr Barrow. I’ve heard a lot of things about you from the others, but I’ve only ever known kindness from you. You’re a good friend. I just want you to know that I’m happy for you.”

It felt good to hear that. I’d known that Andy considered me a friend. It had been obvious enough from his behaviour, but it meant a great deal to have him say it.

“That's sweet of you. Thank you,” I said.

And I meant it sincerely. I’d liked Andy from the start. Unlike with Jimmy, there was no attraction there. Just fondness and concern. I think by the time I met him, I had been in service long enough to want to take someone under my wing and teach him what I know. And Andy had seemed so young and innocent, letting himself be taken advantage of by that awful Miss Denker. All I’d wanted was to help him and guide him. And of course, Mr Carson and Mrs Patmore had misunderstood my intentions.

“So what’s he like then?” Andy said bringing me back to the present.

“He’s a nice man.”

“Really? Nice? That’s the best you can do, talking about your sweetheart? I have bored you for days talking endlessly about Daisy and all you can manage is nice? Poor Mr Ellis…” he said shaking his head dramatically. 

I burst out laughing. Andy was being cheeky, but it was sweet. He was so obviously trying to make it easy for me to talk about Richard, trying to treat it like it was completely normal for me to be in love with a man, and not a perversion like most people would think it was.

“He’s more than just nice, of course.”

“And…”

I chuckled. And I decided not to demur. 

“He’s got the nicest smile,” I said. “Turns my heart around every time I think of it. He’s funny and clever. He has this very formal and important position, but he doesn't let it go to his head. If anything, he's irreverant and more likely to make fun of the likes of Mr Wilson than to want to be like them. He's honest and thoughtful, but his eyes are always full of mischief. He’s seen a fair bit of the world, but he’s still a Yorkshireman. He’s a kind man, a good man and for some unfathomable reason, he cares about me. I’m stunned every time I think of it.”

“That’s…something, Mr Barrow, it really is, the way you talk about him. I’d say he’s a lucky man.”


	5. Chapter 5

The 3rd of October. 

It was a day I had been looking forward to. I was finding it hard to keep the smile off my face as I went up to my room after luncheon to pack the few things I would need for my trip to London. I was able to leave a little earlier than expected because the family was dining out that night and Andy had insisted that he would take care of the tea and manage anything else that might come up and Bates had been quite happy to take charge and let me go. 

So I called Richard and told him that I would be in London by 6:00 in the evening. He would not be released from duty until 7:30. He'd given me directions to an Inn on a little side street off Piccadilly. I was going to go there and book a room, a double with twin beds and he would come find me. I had been a bit worried about what that would look like and if it would make people suspicious, but Richard assured me that it was a safe space for people like us. 

I had finished packing when there was a knock on the door. It was Phyllis. 

"All packed?" she said in that gentle way of hers. 

"Yes." 

"I hope you a wonderful time, Thomas." 

She never bothered with formalities when we were alone and I liked that. I also like the way she just walks into my room like she has every right to be there. 

"Thanks," I said, trying and failing to keep the smile off my face. 

"I can't tell you how glad it makes me to see you like this, happy, hopeful...smiling."

I couldn't say anything in response to that, so I nodded, smiled some more and blushed a little. 

"Well, go on then. You don't want to be late," she said. 

She walked downstairs with me and saw me off at the back door with a fond hug. I'd never known that a hug could be fond, but hers always are. She seems to understand intuitively that I'm a bit starved for touch, just friendly human contact and she makes it a point to hug me, pat me on my cheek, squeeze my hand...it's the kind of affection I've sorely missed. 

I had started walking across the grounds with my bag in hand when I saw Mr Branson and Lady Mary step out of the house. I tipped my hat at them. 

"Are you going to the station, Barrow?" Lady Mary said. 

"Yes, Milady." 

"Why don't you wait a couple of minutes? Mr Branson is headed in that direction. He'll drop you off." 

"Of course," Mr Branson said as he headed off towards the garage. 

"That's very kind of you, but there's no need. I can walk, milady." 

"Of course you can, but you don't have to. So where are you off to, then?" 

I wondered of I should lie and say I was going to York or Scarborough, but I decided against it.

"London, Milady." 

"Ah! I hope you have a wonderful time, then." 

"Thank you."

Mr Branson drove up and I got into the car. We drove in silence for a few minutes. I had never been nice to Mr Branson. I'd looked down on him when he was the chauffeur and I'd resented him when he married Lady Sybil, not just because he married up, but because I thought she was much too good for him and I never quite accepted him as a member of the family after she was gone. This was probably the only thing that Mr Carson and I had agreed on at the time.

But I can admit now that I was wrong about Mr Branson. He's a good man, a loyal man and the family are lucky to have him and not the other way around as I used to think. And I can admit that it shows a lot of generosity on his part that despite how nasty I've been to him, he's never interfered with my relationship with Miss Sibby. I wished I could say something to him, but I had no idea where to start. So I settled for a simple thank you. 

"It's okay. I was going that way, anyway," he said. 

We rode in silence for another couple of minutes. 

"This is probably impertinent of me, but I heard about your engagement to Miss Smith and I'm glad."

"Thank you. She's a lovely person." 

"I know. She's very friendly."

"Right, of course. She was downstairs at the time of the Royal visit."

"She got to be quite friendly with Anna and Daisy. Miss Sibby likes her too."

"Does she really? She never said a word to me."

"I asked her, actually. I didn't say anything about your engagement, I just asked her about Miss Smith and Miss Sibby apparently thought she was very sweet. I hope you don't mind, Mr Branson...The kids talk to me."

"Why would I mind? You make time for them and you play with them for hours on top of all your other duties. Sibby adores you. Someday the two of you will be like Lady Mary and Carson, I suppose."

"I can hope." 

He looked at me curiously for a moment. "I hope this is not impertinent of me," he began. 

"No...please, tell me." 

"You've changed and it's good to see," he said. 

"I decided to leave the bitterness behind."

"Never does anyone any good, does it? I should know. I used to be so angry all the time."

"True. But it was the anger of an idealist. That's not necessarily a bad thing."

"I'm surprised to hear you say that." 

"It's good to have ideals, Mr Branson, particularly when you're young. And it's good to want to fight for them. That's what made Lady Sybil so special. I really admired her, you know. I didn't give you the credit that I gave her, but I hope I'm not so small minded now. At least, I'm trying not to be."

He looked at me like he was trying to absorb what I’d said. "I think I underestimated you."

We got to the station then. I thanked him and got out of the car. I walked away with him still looking curiously after me. I was glad I'd got the chance to clear the air with him, somewhat. 

... 

It was just past 7:30. I was in what was temporarily my room at the Inn that Richard had directed me to. The manager had been very friendly and he hadn't given me any strange looks or asked uncomfortable questions. 

I'd been looking at my watch and pacing up and down the room for the last half hour. I was too nervous to sit down. My mind was such a jumble of feelings. I was excited that I would be seeing Richard soon, but I was also anxious. What if we didn't actually get on? After all, we hadn't spent that much time together. We'd talked a lot and got to know each other quite well through our letters, but that wasn't the same as being together in the same room for two whole days. What if it was uncomfortable? What if we realised that we didn't like each other in that way after all? I had come to London prepared to tell Richard that I love him. What if he didn't feel the same way? 

I lost track of time as I kept pacing and worrying. Then I was startled by a knock on the door. A quick glance at the clock told me that it was 8:30. _It must be Richard,_ I thought as my heart started beating even faster. _If I am this much of a mess even before I see him, how am I going to survive the next two days_ , I wondered, as I went to the door and opened it. 

And there he was, hat in hand, smiling that incredible smile of his and just like that, my anxiety receded. I stepped aside and he walked into the room. I closed the door and locked it. 

"It's so good to see you, Thomas," he said and the last of my anxiety was gone. 

I stepped up to him. I put my hand on his cheek and caressed him. "It's lovely to see you, Richard," I murmured and then we kissed, a soft, exploratory kiss.

We pulled back and looked at each other for a moment and kissed again, a bit surer of each other this time. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me close until I was pressed up against him. I put my arms around his neck and we stood there, pressed as close to each other as we could get, trading kisses, no one to interrupt us this time and it was wonderful. It felt so real and so good. We hadn't said too many words, but we seemed to have reached an agreement of sorts that we didn't want to rush this, we both wanted to take our time and make the most of the two days that we had together.

We kissed a bit longer and then Richard pulled away and looked at my face. He ran his thumb lightly across my lips and groaned softly. 

"That was incredible," I said with a sigh. 

"It was...you look so lovely like this, hair mussed, lips a bit swollen, out of breath..."

I let out a soft chuckle. "You look rather attractively dishevelled, yourself," I said. 

We reached for each other again and kissed some more. It felt amazing, it was like we had this connection, like everything just slotted into place when we touched...

"This feels so good and so right," I said, when we separated to catch our breaths. 

"It does...I've imagined this so many times, but it seems my imagination was just not up to the task."


	6. Chapter 6

I took his hand and led him to one of the beds. We sat down, still holding hands. It’s amazing how such a small thing can feel like so much.

“I can’t tell you how glad I am that you’re here,” Richard said.

He leaned forward and kissed me oh so softly on my lips. There was so much affection in that tiny kiss that I realised that I was not alone in feeling the way I did. Richard loved me too and sometime in the next two days, we’d acknowledge it. 

“I have not stopped thinking of you since the moment I saw you. Is that too soppy of me?” he said.

I smiled. “No darling, it’s not. I haven’t stopped thinking of you either and I’m glad we’re neither of us ashamed to speak of such things just because we’re men.”

“I agree. But I have to admit that I have not felt like this about anyone in my life. You inspire a tenderness in me that I find precious.”

“And you are so disarmingly honest. I love how you’ve taken charge of this from the first, seeing my insecurity, not letting me hide behind the label of friendship and writing that first letter in which you so candidly asked for a relationship, for commitment. Would it be unmanly of me to admit that I like it when you do that? That I feel wanted and cared for?”

“Of course it’s not unmanly of you, love. That is what you feel and I'm glad you can be honest about it.”

I raised his hand to my lips and kissed him softly.

“Richard…”

“Yes, love.”

“Let’s get out of these clothes.”

He chucked softly. “You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to that,” he said and then, “Can I undress you?”

That question caused a flutter in my heart. There was so much sweetness to it and yet, it was so arousing. I said as much to Richard and he smiled. 

"I'm going to enjoy this," he said as he started unbuttoning my vest, stopping every now and then to kiss me on my nose, on my cheeks, my eyelids, my forehead… 

"You make me feel so special," I gasped after a while. 

"I told you that I was going to cherish you, didn't I?" 

…

It was an hour later. We were lying in each other’s arms, our legs entwined under the sheets. He ran his hand gently up and down my back while I traced patterns on his chest. I don't think I have ever been as perfectly happy and totally at peace as I was in that moment. We'd come together so naturally, so effortlessly. Lying in bed, with Richard covering my body with his, the feeling of his skin against mine as we pleasured each other, taking our time, enjoying each other’s reactions, not rushing, as we felt our way through this wonderful new intimacy...it was without a doubt, the best and most meaningful experience of my life. 

... 

I woke up early, snuggled up against Richard as he held me close. It was a moment of pure bliss to be there with him and to know that I didn't have to get up until I wanted to and that when I finally did, I wouldn't have a long list of tasks waiting for my attention. I turned to look at him as he slept peacefully with his head pillowed on my chest and his arm around me. He felt so warm and soft and he looked so content as he let out the occasional soft snore. I was overcome with affection for this wonderful man and I felt so fortunate to be able to wake up like this, even if it was only for a day or two.

... 

It was a couple of hours later. Richard and I had washed and dressed and come down for breakfast. We were seated at a table tucked away in a corner of the dining room. There were a few other men around, but no one paid us any mind. We spent the first half of the meal just looking at each other and smiling, neither of us able to articulate the joy that we felt in that moment.

“I feel so incredibly fortunate,” Richard said, finally.

“Me too.” I looked around to make sure that no one was listening to us. “Last night was…” I trailed off with a sigh.

“Yeah. I have no words for it either. But it proved something that I already knew. “

“And what is that?’

“We belong together.”

“That we do. It feels like such a luxury to have another day and a half to be with you. But it’s really not that long, is it?”

“No it isn’t, but it’ll have to do.”

“So we go back to writing letters.”

“Until December, yes.”

“December?”

“I’ll be coming up to Yorkshire for three days around New Year’s Eve. I’ll come and see you.”

“I can arrange for you to stay at Downton for a day or two if you want. If things continue the way they’re going, we should have the place to ourselves.”

“Really?’

“Yeah. Most of the staff already doesn’t live in the house. The hall boy and the two house maids are from the village, so they just come in every day. Anna and Mr Bates live in the village as well and so does Mrs Hughes.”

“The housekeeper?”

“Yeah.”

“What about the others?”

“Daisy lives on a farm on the estate with Mr Mason, her father in law. She’s a war widow.”

“Isn’t she supposed to be engaged to one of the footmen?”

“Andy, yes. They’re getting married in a couple of weeks and then Andy will move out to the farm as well. And in a recent development, Mr Mason proposed to Mrs Patmore.”

“The cook?”

“Yes.”

“So she’s going to be leaving a well. I have never heard of so many married servants in one household.”

“It’s unusual I know. But the Crawleys are very supportive.”

“It’s really good of them.”

“Once Andy and Mrs Patmore are gone, it'll just be me and Phyllis, Miss Baxter, I mean. At least until Mr Moseley gets his wits together long enough to ask her to marry him and then it will just be me.”

“Who’s Mr Moseley?"

"He used to be a footman. He left us around three years ago to become a school teacher." 

"That sounds like an interesting change of career. Do you ever think about leaving service, Thomas?”

“No. I’ve never thought about it, actually. This is what I do, this is all I know. I like being a butler. I like the responsibility and I’ll be honest, I like that I’m the person in charge, the one that makes the decisions. It might be different with another family who are not as nice as the Crawleys. I did work for another family a couple of years ago and I hated it. And it helps that I work with a genuinely good set of people. So for the moment, I’d say that I’m content. What about you?”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I’m tired of putting up with Mr Wilson and the others aren’t much better. I did make a few friends over the years, but they have all moved on. My father is getting older and he’s been dropping hints about wanting to retire.”

“Does he want you to take over his shop?”

“He hasn’t said so, but yes. He won’t insist on it, but it is his life’s work and he would rather pass it on to me than to anyone else.”

“How would you like being a shop keeper?”

“I don’t know. But I do know that I’m tired of service and I’m tired of being in London.”

“Well, I’m not going to argue against any plan that brings you up to Yorkshire.”

Will you come and see me then, on your half days and your days off?”

“Of course I will.”

“I’ll be sure to show you a good time then.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: conversation about a suicide attempt.

We set out after breakfast. It was a sunny day, not warm by any means, but good weather for walking. So that is what we did, we walked around the city, Richard showed me some of his favourite places and we talked...This is in many ways the best thing about my relationship with Richard. We talk to each other, we want to talk about everything, big and small. I want to hear about his childhood, his memories, his experiences in the war, his thoughts about life and the world...there is so much to know about this man and I'm greedy, I want to know everything he can tell me. And so does he.

Which brings me to a question he'd asked me last night after we'd been intimate. We'd been lying in bed, holding each other when he'd taken my hand and kissed me softly on my wrist, right on my scars. He hadn't said anything, but it was obvious that he wanted to know. I hadn't felt up to talking about it just then.

"Not now, darling, please," I'd said. "I want to tell you about it, I do, but this is such a perfectly beautiful moment, I don't want to ruin it."

He'd looked concerned, but he let it go. He'd tightened his arm around me and he'd kissed me on my forehead. He'd held me close until I'd fallen asleep. 

We went to a pub in Soho for lunch and a couple of pints of beer. The pub was busy and we were just two men among many.

"This is the best thing about London," I said as we took our seats at a table in the far corner . "It's easy to get lost in the crowd." 

"That's true enough. But this place can make you feel a bit inconsequential. It's not like it is in a village like Downton, where everyone knows everyone else and people will look out for you and help you out when you need it," Richard said. 

"So you miss having everyone all up in your business."

He smiled. "No. But London is...cold. it's not like it is, up north."

"You really miss being in Yorkshire."

"For more than one reason, yeah. I've been feeling this way for a while, but it's got worse in the last couple of months since I met a certain someone." He looked meaningfully at me and I turned away quickly, so I wouldn't blush. I'm not sure I was successful, though. 

He chuckled softly."I like making you blush," he said under his breath. He was smiling that teasing smile and his eyes were dancing with mischief. He took my breath away, this adorable man. 

"I so want to kiss you right now," I whispered. 

It was gratifying to see a hint of pink on his cheeks.

"Do you think that'll ever happen? That the world will change enough that no one will care if they see two men being together as a couple?" I said. 

"I don't know. But it might. Look at how different the world is now from the way it was before the war. I like to imagine it though, a world in which I could reach out and hold your hand right now and no one would care."

I sighed. I thought about that day in York, how freeing it had been, to let go and dance with a man, to be surrounded by men like me, just dancing and being together, not having to hide, enjoying ourselves...until the cops showed up. 

We walked out of that pub at around 2:00 in the afternoon and I was suddenly very aware of the fact that I would be leaving London and Richard the next day. I had a little over a day left with him and I didn't want to spend that time in a pub or out on the streets. I wanted to go back to the privacy of our room at the Inn, where I could hold him, kiss him whenever I wanted and we could talk freely without constantly looking around us, trying to make sure no one was listening. 

... 

We were in our room with the door closed and locked. I took off my coat, tossed it aside and pulled him close. We locked eyes and I saw it plain as day, the same need and desire, the love and depth of passion that I felt, reflected in Richard's eyes. 

"I love you, darling." The words were out of my mouth before I realised that I was going to say them. 

Richard lit up at that. He looked so happy to hear those words. "I love you too, sweetheart, so much, " he said and I felt like I was glowing. 

"It means everything to hear you say that," I whispered. 

"Same here," he said and then we kissed and it was the sweetest thing in the world. 

... 

That night, I told Richard about that horrible day three years ago, when I had tried to kill myself. It was late and the Inn was quiet and so was the city. Neither of us wanted to go to sleep, aware as we were that we would not have a night like this again for a couple of months. So we stayed up and we talked as we lay in bed, with our arms around each other, kissing every now and then as we wound down from all our passion earlier in the day. 

I talked of the months leading up to that day, my crushing loneliness made worse by Andy constantly rebuffing me, the pressure from Mr Carson to find another position, the feeling of bleakness that had entered my soul, the certainty that I didn't matter to anyone and that I wouldn't ever matter... It was not easy to talk about all of that. By the end of it, I was crying and Richard had tears in his eyes...

"I cannot it imagine the pain that you lived through, sweetheart. It breaks my heart to hear it," he said as he wiped my tears. 

He kissed me on my forehead, my eyebrows, my eye lids, my nose, my cheeks and then my lips. He was so gentle, so very tender as he kissed his way down my body and made love to me again, telling me over and over again that he loves me. I clung to him as he held me close. That memory of being in that bathtub and wanting to end it all...it was like an open wound. It hurt to think about the depth of my pain and my despair in that moment.

But telling Richard was helpful, it eased the pain and it made me less ashamed of the memory, because he was so totally accepting of me. I love the way he reacted in that moment. He didn't offer platitudes, he didn't get upset and make me swear that I would never do something like that again. Instead he showed me that he loves me, that I am not alone any more and that I have much to live for. 

... 

Waking up the next morning was a bitter sweet experience. It was lovely to wake up next to Richard, but it hurt to know that it would be a good two months before I would so much as see his face again. Now that I'd got a taste of what being with him was like, I was going to miss him so much more than I had before. 

I was going to take the 4'o' clock train to Yorkshire. We left the Inn at around 3:00. We'd spent the morning in a place of quiet closeness, needing to touch and kiss and feel as much as we could. 

"I'm going to miss you so very much," Richard said, just before we left. 

"I'm going to ache for your touch every night," I whispered. 

I looked at his dear face with that wonderful smile of his, now tempered by tenderness and I was just so happy. 

"But I feel so fortunate, Richard, so incredibly fortunate to have you in my life at all."

"Same here, sweetheart, same here."

We held each other close and kissed once more and it was time for me to leave. 


	8. Chapter 8

The journey back to Downton was uneventful. I got on the train and I sat by the window. Richard stood on the platform, looking at me with an intensity that made me want to get off the train and go back to him. But, of course, I couldn't. Neither of us said anything as we waited for the train to start. There was nothing to say. We'd said our goodbyes and we were now looking at each other, trying to memorise each other's faces as best we could, because we would both be relying quite heavily on memory for the next couple of months. At least we had a reasonably good idea of when we'd meet again. I was glad that that wasn't indefinite or uncertain. 

The train started, Richard waved, I waved back. The train started to pull away and then he blew me a kiss, the dear man. My heart was full as I watched him until I couldn't see him any more. I was going to miss him, so much. _But, at least, I have memories to rely on now,_ I thought, as I stared blindly outside the window. _I know what it feels like to kiss him properly, what his skin feels like against mine, I know how it feels to sleep with his arms around me and I know how wonderful it is to love him and have him love me._

I spent the journey lost in thought and memory. It was just past 7:00 in the evening when I got off the train. I walked to Downton Abbey in the dark with my heart and my mind full of Richard, wondering how I was going to get through the next two months without seeing him. 

I went to the back door. It was open, as usual, so I let myself in. I walked into the servants hall and found Anna, Bates and Phyllis there, sitting together and talking, each with a sewing needle in hand, engaged in stitching and repairing something or the other. 

"Thomas," Phyllis said, as she got up to greet me... and then she caught herself. "Mr Barrow, I mean. Sorry." 

"It's okay, Phyllis. I'm not back on duty until tomorrow, so we needn't be formal now." 

"How was your trip?" 

"Excellent." 

"I'm so glad to hear that." 

"Were you there to see someone?" Anna said. She looked a bit coy.

"Yes I was. We had a splendid time, if you must know." 

"I do want to know. I'm glad too."

"Thanks."

I went upstairs and put away my bags. I took a bath and changed into more comfortable clothes. I wasn't planning on going downstairs again. Andy brought me some tea and a bit of supper and sat with me while I ate, so we could talk. 

"How was it then, seeing Mr Ellis again?" he asked me. 

I smiled. "It was lovely, Andy. Better than I could've imagined." 

"I'm glad to hear it. When will you see him again?" 

"At New Year's. He'll be coming up to Yorkshire for three days to see his parents." 

"You should ask him to come stay here with you at least for a day. I don't think the Crawleys will mind." 

"I probably will."

"It must be difficult, having to wait two months to see him again."

"It's very difficult. But given where we work and where we live, it cannot be helped. You and Daisy are very lucky in that respect." 

"Oh I know..." 

"So how are the wedding preparations coming along?" 

"They're happening. But Daisy and I have little to do with any of it. Mr Mason and Mrs Patmore are taking care of it all." 

... 

I resumed my duties the next day. The staff was getting quite excited about Andy and Daisy 's wedding which was just over a week away. They would be married in the church and there was to be lunch at Mr Mason's farmhouse after. I wasn't really involved in any of the preparations and I was glad of it. I was too distracted to be of much use to anyone just then. 

I thought about Richard constantly. There was so much I wanted to ask him and so much I wanted to say. Our goodbye had been so hasty. I hadn't wanted to acknowledge until the last minute that I had to leave, so that when the time came, I didn't get a chance to say any of the things I'd so desperately wanted to say to him. 

So I did the only thing I could. I wrote him a letter. 

_My dear, dear R,_

_I miss you so very much. I keep seeing you in my head as you stood on that platform, looking so intently at me as the train pulled out of the station. That was a most unsatisfactory goodbye._

_We had so little time together, not even two full days and I had to leave. While I realise that no amount of time with you is ever going to be enough for me, I would've liked to have had a few more days to spend, talking to you and loving you..._

_I'd pictured this meeting of ours, so many times. I'd imagined all sorts of details but I could never have imagined the sweetness of it all. And that is all down to you, darling. I was nervous and afraid that something would go wrong, but you were so calm and so sure of yourself and so sure of us...you grounded me._

_I was dreading that conversation about my desperate attempt to kill myself three years ago. I am so filled with shame and pain every time I think of it. I would've gone to great lengths to avoid talking about it. But I knew I had to tell you. I wanted to tell you, even. But I was afraid of how you would react._

_I'm so tired of people hitting me with platitudes about life and how it is valuable and worth living no matter how hard things get. I know that. But platitudes don't help. They didn't help then and they don't help now. The pain and despair and the loneliness I felt in that moment is something that I have never been able to properly explain to anyone. Andy and Phyllis have an inkling, but even they don't really understand._

_This is such a difficult thing for me to talk about and you made it so easy. You listened to me and then you held me close as I cried, not saying a word of judgement or censure and simply accepting it, the way you accept everything about me. I was too overwhelmed in that moment, too emotional to properly tell you how much your acceptance means to me. It means the world, R. You understood and you made me feel like I can maybe forgive myself for what I tried to do and move past all the shame and the hurt._

_From the very first time that we met, you made me feel safe, like I can let my guard down and just be me. I had high hopes for our time together, but being with you turned out to be so much more incredible than I had expected. I am so looking forward to seeing your dear face and being in your arms again. But until then, I will make do with your letters. I love you, darling._

_Your T._

I felt a bit more settled after writing that letter. I sent it off hoping that it didn't sound too sappy. I had said what was in my mind and in my heart, but I didn't want Richard to think that I was weak and too emotional. Not that there is anything wrong with emotion, but we men are so constantly told to keep our emotions in check and to face everything with stoicism that it is hard to break the habit of a lifetime and be open about what I think and feel without worrying about how that will come across. 

I sent off the letter and tried to get on with life at Downton, which at that moment was in wedding season. After Andy and Daisy's wedding next week, Mr Mason and Mrs Patmore were getting married. They'd set a date in mid November. Mr Mosely had finally got up the nerve to ask Phyllis to marry him. They hadn't set a date yet, but they were also thinking of a winter wedding. 

So it seemed that by the end of the year, all the staff would be living in the village and I would be alone here. That was not a happy thought. I was used to having all of them around. Andy and Phyllis most of all. Sometimes, I wonder if I should leave as well.

Find a small house in the village and live there, have a garden of my own, grow a few flowers and some vegetables. It's a fanciful notion, but I think about it sometimes and every time I do, I see Richard living in that house with me. That's impossible, I know, but I can't help thinking about it...


	9. Chapter 9

I spent the next three days thinking about everything I'd said to Richard in my letter and waiting eagerly for his reply. Now that we'd met and been together properly, talking, sharing some of our deepest secrets and being intimate, I missed him more than ever and I needed to know that he missed me too, that he was thinking about me, that my leaving had been as hard on him as it had been on me. It was perhaps stupid of me to need that kind of reassurance after everything that we'd shared, but I did. I needed it badly. And as always, Richard did not disappoint. 

_My sweet, adorable T,_

_Reading your letter filled me with joy and pain in equal parts. It made up somewhat, for our very unsatisfactory goodbye. And it made me ache for you even more than I have been since we parted. I don't think I can adequately put into words how much I miss you._

_I hated having to stand on that platform, unable to do anything but look at you as you walked away. What I wanted was to take you in my arms. I wanted to tilt your head up and look at your beautiful face for a moment and then I wanted to kiss you, nothing improper, just a soft, chaste and entirely loving kiss. And I wanted to tell you again how much I love you._

_I feel so priviliged that you felt able to trust me enough to tell me about your scars that night. I did what I could to make you feel better and to let you know how much I love you and need you in my life. I'm glad it helped in some way._

_It hurt so much to hear you talk that night, about how lonely and unhappy you were, how much in despair when you, briefly, gave up on life. It hurt even more to consider that you might have succeeded if not for the timely intervention of your friends who I will be eternally indebted to._

_I have to point out here that while you did give up on life for a bit, you came back from that and you rebuilt your life into something that you can be proud of. That cannot have been easy to do and it shows a strength of mind and a strength of character that I truly admire. Sweetheart, I honestly think that you have nothing to be ashamed of._

_It hurts me to think that you suffered so much. And much as I might wish it, there's nothing I can do to undo that. But I can promise to devote the rest of my life to making you happy. I would marry you if such a thing was a possibility in our world._

_I need you to know how very happy you make me. I didn't have much of a life before you came along. I wasn't unhappy, but my life was bland at best. I met you and suddenly there's light and colour in my life, hopes and dreams and a future to plan for and look forward to. You give my life meaning, T and that is no small thing._

_I too had imagined our meeting many times and in many different ways. But nothing could have prepared me for how truly wonderful it was to be with you. And it was not all down to me, sweetheart. Not at all. The sweetness is all you._ _I_ _love how you trust me to take care of you. I like taking care of you, T and I'm going to keep doing it._

_As you can see, my heart is full and I'm spilling my feelings somewhat embarrassingly all over these pages. But I don't care. I want you to be privy to all my feelings. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I love you, sweetheart and yes, I'm very sure of us._

_I cannot wait until I get to look at you and hold you in my arms again._

_All my love,_

_R_

By the time I finished reading that letter I was in tears. I read it again and I cried some more. I was overwhelmed. I'd spent nearly three decades of my life feeling alone and unloved. I'd convinced myself that I was unlovable and that men like me were destined to be unhappy, deserved to be unhappy, even. I'd resigned myself to spending the rest of my life alone, tolerated by the people I work with, liked by a couple of them if I was lucky, but no more.

To go from that to being so completely loved, adored and cherished by a man like Richard even after I'd told him about the worst parts of myself and my life, to be so completely accepted...it was incredible. It was something I'd never even dared to dream of.

I was still sitting in my pantry, holding the letter when there was a knock on the door. I put the letter away and wiped my tears.

"Come in," I said, hoping that it wasn't obvious that I'd been crying. It was Phillys. She took one look at me and then she came in and shut the door.

"You've been crying! Thomas, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Everything's right for once. These are happy tears, Phyllis."

"Oh! Okay then," she said as she sat down in the chair on the other side of the table. "What has dear Mr Ellis done to make you happy?

"He said that he'd marry me if he could, " I said before I could stop myself. Then I was embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shared that. It's a stupid, fanciful notion."

"Fanciful, maybe. But it's not stupid, Thomas. It's a lovely sentiment. It shows that he's really invested in you and that this is important to him, that you are important to him."

"It does."

"It certainly does credit to his heart."

"He's a good man, Phyllis."

"And so are you. Stop selling yourself short."

"You always say that. I don't know what I've done to deserve you."

"You got me a place here."

"For all the wrong reasons."

"Perhaps. But this is a second chance that people like me don't usually get. And you made it happen. I'll always be grateful for that."

"But I tried to get you dismissed." 

"Yes you did. But lucky for me, you did that only after I'd been here long enough to gain a measure of Lady Grantham's trust. So I was able to keep my place. I know your intentions were all wrong, but things turned out well for me anyway. Besides, if I can get a second chance why can't you? Why do you insist on being so hard on yourself? Let the past go, Thomas. I have."

I sighed. "I suppose I should." 

"You're the closest thing to a family that I have and I'm not going to let the past get in the way of that. I need a brother and you're it."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "That makes me a very lucky man. Strange how life works. When I brought you here, I thought I was doing you a favour. Turns out I was doing one of the best things I have ever done for myself."

Phyllis smiled in her sweet and serene way. It's a smile that never fails to soothe. 

"I know I've said it before, but thank you. For saving my life, for caring about me and insisting on being kind to me even when I didn't deserve it. You're a very good person, Phyllis. Mr Moseley is a lucky man. I hope he appreciates what a gift he has in you. "

That made her smile even wider. "He does."

"Good. I'm glad. I couldn't have given you away to someone who doesn't appreciate you enough."

"Will you?" 

"Will I what?" 

"Give me away when I get married?" 

I'd used those words casually, not really thinking them through. And here was Phyllis asking me to do it, entirely seriously. Her question was a validation of our relationship and it warmed my heart. 

"Of course I will. " 

I got up from my chair and went over to her. She got up as well. I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head. It was uncharacteristic of me. It is always Phyllis who does the hugging. But it doesn't have to be like that. I can be affectionate too and I should, with her. Phyllis is one of those rare people, like Richard. A truly good human being. And she deserves all the love in the world.


	10. Chapter 10

A week went by and finally, it was Andy and Daisy's wedding day. Andy had asked me to be his best man, so I stood with him in church, holding the rings, when Daisy walked in, looking radiant. She'd been such a little thing when she'd first come to Downton, so scared and unsure of herself. And now she's a confident young woman with ideas and opinions. Andy thinks he got really lucky with her and I agree, but she got lucky with him too. Despite all her revolutionary ideas, Daisy is a devoted and loyal soul and so is Andy. I had no doubt of their happiness together.

In times past, I might have envied them. But not now. I may never be able to declare my love for and my commitment to Richard in such a public way and have everyone be happy for me, but I was no longer envious of anyone's good fortune. For the first time in my life, I was happy and I didn't feel the aching loneliness that's been with me for most of my life. 

If I felt bad about anything, it was when I went up to my room that night. Andy has had the room next to mine for the last few years and every night, he'd come to my room and we'd spend a couple of hours talking and playing cards. I missed that and I missed him. I was now the only male servant who lived in the house. And soon I would be the only servant. 

The days and weeks went on. Richard and I continued to correspond, sending each other letters and little gifts. Andy stopped giving them to me at breakfast. It was causing too much comment. So now he left them in my pantry for me to find later. It was thoughtful of him. 

November came and Mrs Patmore became Mrs Mason and went to live on Mr Mason's farm much to Daisy's delight. That left me and Phyllis and soon, she would be gone as well. 

I wonder about the future, sometimes. Fewer and fewer people are choosing to go into service. There might come a time when homes like Downton and people like me, become a rarity. I had more than a couple of decades to go in the line of work that I'd chosen, but I suspected that by the time I was done there might not be many people like me around. 

That made me wonder if I wanted to spend the next twenty years of my life living and working at Downton Abbey. Being the butler here was a job that I had coveted and I was very happy doing it. But I began to suspect that a time would come when this job would become a burden...

Phyllis got married in the middle of December. It was a small and sweet ceremony. I made arrangements for lunch and a reception in the servant's hall that went on for several hours. We had music and dancing and then Mr and Mrs Molesley went off to their home and the rest of the staff left one by one. Mrs Hughes and Mrs Patmore (well, Mrs Carson and Mrs Mason, really, but I doubt that I'll ever get used to calling them that) were the last to leave. They bid me good night and they walked out of the back door, still talking about the ceremony and all the little details that they'd liked. I closed the door behind them and then I was alone. 

The silence was loud and I found it harder to deal with than I'd expected. How was I going to do this, night after night? I wandered into the servant's hall and I sat there feeling the silence grow louder by the minute. _I should just go to bed,_ I thought. But I couldn't get myself to move. I stayed there, feeling numb. I could feel a bit of the darkness begin to creep into my mind. All day, I'd told myself that I would be okay, but I wasn't. I took out Richard's token and held it in my hand. It was a poor substitute for holding him in my arms, but it helped. 

I would be seeing him again in a couple of weeks. That was a good thought. But he would only be here for three days and then he would be gone again. How long would we be able to sustain ourselves on nothing but letters? I don't know why the loneliness hit me so hard that night, but it did. It felt like everyone else was out there getting on with their lives, while I was stuck, both because of my job and because of my nature. 

I don't know how long my thoughts would have gone on like that. Probably all night. But just then I was interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. A telephone call at night is always a cause for alarm. I hurried into my pantry, feeling a bit anxious. I picked up the phone.

"Hello. Downton Abbey, the butler speaking..."

"Hello Thomas."

"Richard! Is everything alright?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

"Telephone calls at night rarely bring good news."

"True. But this call is just so I can talk to you. I miss you terribly."

That made me smile. It was so nice to hear Richard's voice again. 

"I miss you too. Where are you calling from?"

"A pay phone outside a pub. I got done with my work an hour ago and I wanted to take a walk. I saw the pay phone, so I thought I'd give you a call."

"Just like that, huh?"

"Just like that."

I didn't believe him, of course. There was no way this was a casual, spur of the moment phone call. 

I sighed. "You knew I'd be lonely."

"I thought you might be, yes."

"I thought I was mentally prepared for this, but I felt so alone when all of them left. I started feeling a bit resentful that they get to have lives outside this place, that they get to have and make families while I don't."

"I can understand. I feel resentful too, sometimes. I'm getting more and more restless in this job. I want to quit and come back up north. I don't know how much longer I can listen to Mr Wilson's self important ramblings and resist the urge to hit him on the head."

"There's an image," I said with a chuckle. "At least I'm luckier than you in that respect. Honestly though, I'm fighting the urge to ask you to quit that job and come back here. It would make such a difference, Richard."

"I know. I'm thinking quite seriously about it. I'll talk to my parents when I get up there for New Year's and we'll see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to those three days..."

"Me too."

I knew that Richard was holding back and trying not to say anything too obvious just in case the operator was listening in. This is why we'd decided against phone calls in the first place. Despite that, it made a big difference to hear his voice that night. He'd remembered that it was Phyllis' wedding day and he knew how alone I would end up feeling and he'd called. That is the sort of thing the dear man does. 

We talked a little more and then we said good night and I went to bed feeling lighter and less alone. After that day, that nightly phone call became a ritual...


End file.
